Slashers of the Caribbean
by cyerus
Summary: A completely logical argument as to why Will and Jack must be slashed. Not that we really need a reason, but it's always good to have justification. Don't like it slash, don't read.


**Disclaimer:** No, I don't own _Pirates of the Caribbean_. If I did, then there would have been a lot more slash in the movie, rather than just innuendoes. 

**Title:** Slashers of the Caribbean

**Author:** Cyerus

**Summary:** Exactly as the title says. Not that we really need a reason to put Will and Jack together, but it's always good to have justification. Don't like it slash, don't read.

**Author's Note:** It seems Fanfiction.net doesn't like .doc files much and decided to completely screw with the format of this fic. Hopefully, all of the problems are fixed. Enjoy. 

  
  
  
It was inevitable. 

  
The crew could see it coming for years now. It was just a matter of predicting exactly _when_. And when it did finally happened, Anamaria won the bet. 

  
"Women's intuition," she said, smirking as she downed a cup of rum. 

  
Now I'm sure some of the readers out there are wondering the vital question: How did this come to pass? It's a reasonable question, to be sure. No, no, don't be alarmed by the snickering and laughter. Some of the veteran slashers are just easily amused by the innocence of newcomers, that's all. 

  
But you are wondering, shouldn't Will Turner and Jack Sparrow be completely straight? So that they can go out, sow their wild oats, and ensure that future generations could enjoy miniature replicas of the blacksmith and pirate, their beauty and character never dying for ages to come?

  
Ha. No. 

  
Fact of the matter is, young ones, Mr. Turner and Mr. Sparrow are boffing each other like rabbits on speed. 

  
Ah yes, the cries of outrage and "he's not gay!" Hush, my children. I have barely even begun. 

  
I suppose you want proof to support my outlandish claims. Are you sure you wouldn't rather live in ignorant denial? 

  
..........

  
Very well then. Put down that sword before you hurt yourself.

  
  
Now, the evidence is as follows:

  
**Claim 1**: The subjects themselves.

  
Captain Jack Sparrow. A pirate with the silver tongue of the devil. A more dishonest man you could not find, nor a more beautiful one - with the exception of one Mr. Turner. With his dark, kohl-lined eyes and quirky vocabulary, the man exudes charm like a Mary Sue oozes rainbows and glitter. Sure, his glib talk often gets him in trouble with certain persons, but even Tortugan whores cannot stay angry with him for long. And admit it, could you ever resist a face like that? 

  
And the walk. Oh, the walk. The way he sashays by, as thought permanently drunk, waving his arms around like a demented Macarena dancer, his hips swaying to an unknown beat. His body just screams for a certain someone to have his naught way with it. 

  
Not to mention the mystery surrounding this dark-eyed rogue. Come on, you can't deny his unknown past intrigues you, nor his outlandish dress. And all those tattoos and scars winding about bronzed skin. Others might consider his look as scruffy and dirty, but it's really all part of the rugged man appeal. 

  
There's no doubt about it. If the average person saw Captain Jack Sparrow sauntering down the street, he/she would get down on his/her knees and beg to have his children. 

  
William Turner, aka Will Turner, aka "you %$#&@ whelp!" My my, the gods certainly gifted this one. Long sable tresses, soulful brown eyes, high cheekbones that crinkle when he laughs, olive complexion - the boy's got it made. Smithing's done good for him - he's built like a cat. Not to mention his dexterity with, ah, tools. And he's good with swords. Very, very good with swords. 

  
He's a perfect gentleman, too. Honest and honorable to a fault, to the great vexation of his captain. Polite to all ladies, whether they're highborn or prostitutes. With his gentle bearings, soft voice, and shy manner, he could have docks full of women swooning at his feet. And often does, to his embarrassment and the crew's amusement.

  
But don't mistake his sweet temper for dullness. When the infamous Turner temper explodes - which it does quite often, at various intensities - he is as rash and daring as any proud pirate. This does occasionally make him prone to do incredibly stupid things, but since it usually works out in the end, we can forgive him. Not to mention the extra adrenaline - resulting from the adventures that occurred because of said stupid actions - have to be burned off somehow. At this point, various crew members would hear odd thumps and moans emitting from the captain's cabin. 

  
Two beautiful men. That's usually enough reason for most of us to start slashing away. But that's insufficient, you say? Just because they're both extremely gorgeous doesn't mean that they're screwing each other? All right then, let's move on to the next piece. 

  
**Claim 2**: For the relationship to be sustained, there has to be love between the subjects.

  
But what kind of love, you ask. For there are many kinds, too many to list here. For simplicity's sake, the three main possibilities are listed. They are as follows:

  
_a_ - familial love

  
_b_ - love between friends

  
_c_ - true love

  
Three possible ways for them to love, two platonic and one...not. Let's get on with the eliminating, shall we? 

  
Now, for familial love, there are two prospects: a father-son relationship, or brother-brother. 

  
The age difference between the two might be sufficient for a father-son bond, and they do hold a good deal of affection for each other. But it's not likely. Why, you ask? Well, listen closely. Now, there is something you must know about Mr. Sparrow. He hates children. Absolutely despises them. They're nothing but little brats that run underfoot and chatter away in high-pitched shrieks. He refuses to believe that he had ever been a little tyke, and nothing anyone says can change his mind. Therefore, it is utterly impossible for Mr. Sparrow and Mr. Turner to have a father-son type of love, else Mr. Sparrow would have shot Mr. Turner a long time ago. 

  
So perhaps they have a brotherly bond? Possible - they certainly tussle and rib each other enough. Except for one thing. Mr. Sparrow had a brother, before he ran off to become a pirate. And if he ever meets that sodding prick ever again, he'll happily run him through with his cutlass and leave him for the seagulls. Seeing as how Mr. Turner is still quite alive and not bird feed, a brother's love is not what he holds for our dear captain. 

  
So no, there is no familial type of love between our Mr. Sparrow and Mr. Turner. 

  
That leads us to _b_, love between friends. Now this is extremely likely. After all, Mr. Turner considers Mr. Sparrow his best friend. Mr. Sparrow, in turn, considers Mr. Turner his best drinking buddy - which, in his mind, equates to best friend. But Mr. Gibbs is also Mr. Sparrow's friend, and if anyone ever suggests to Mr. Sparrow that he do with Mr. Gibbs half of what he does with Mr. Turner, Mr. Sparrow would either laugh hysterically or stare in sickened horror. The images, to say the least, would be quite disturbing. 

  
So what is left? True love, the love between two - or three, or four, or any number for that matter - people who sincerely adore each other. They would stick by each other, through hard times and good, worry about their significant other(s) daily, do heroic things to make sure no harm comes to those they love, have tragic lovers' spats, and other such maudlin hogwash. Let's take a look at our subjects, shall we?

  
A pirate's life is hard, and fraught with danger. Mr. Sparrow and Mr. Turner regularly shove each other out of the ways of pistols, swords, and other weapons that would cause considerable pain, or rescue each other from dangerous situations. After which, the man who did the rescuing would sit down with a bottle of rum and proceed to gloat and razz the man who was rescued. During which, the man who was rescued would fume silently and vow revenge for the next time that the man who was rescued became the man who did the rescuing, and the man who did the rescuing became the man who was rescued. 

  
Did you catch that? No? Oh. Okay then.

  
On the occasion that one of the subjects did not completely escape unscathed and is injured, here is what occurs:

  
If Mr. Sparrow is the one incapacitated, Mr. Turner would hover anxiously by as Mr. Gibbs attempts to patch up Mr. Sparrow, until Mr. Gibbs' nerves finally shatter and he threatens bodily harm to Mr. Turner if said young man doesn't sod off. The threats never work. After Mr. Sparrow is patched up to the best of Mr. Gibbs' abilities, Mr. Turner sits vigil by his bedside and never leaves until Mr. Sparrow is well enough to leave his cabin. For several days afterwards, Mr. Turner would attempt to mother Mr. Sparrow and will not stop until Mr. Sparrow snaps and order the blacksmith at cutlass point to bugger. OFF. After which the two would continue their normal (for them) interactions.

  
If Mr. Turner is the one bedridden, Mr. Sparrow would lounged in a nearby chair with a bottle of rum and offer drunken threats - if Mr. Gibbs dares hurt his whelp - and suggestions as Mr. Gibbs attempts to patch up Mr. Turner, until Mr. Gibbs' nerves finally shatter and he threatens bodily harm to Mr. Sparrow if said mad pirate doesn't sod off. The threats never work. After Mr. Turner is patched up to the best of Mr. Gibbs' abilities, Mr. Sparrow sits in vigil by his bedside and never moves except to call out for someone to bring him more rum. After Mr. Turner is well enough to leave his hammock, Mr. Sparrow then proceeds to thrash Mr. Turner and lecture him on not doing anything stupid. He will continue nagging his blacksmith for several days until Mr. Turner finally snaps and threatens to burn up all of the rum if Mr. Sparrow doesn't bugger. OFF. After which the two would continue their normal (for them) interactions.

  
Suffice to say, they do care for the well being of each other and attempt to make sure that no harm comes to each other. In their own twisted way, of course. They're pirates. What did you expect?

  
Not to mention they argue and bicker endlessly, worse than any couple that has been married for forty years and lives on an isolated island with no other human contact except for their significant other. And they're not afraid to call upon years of shared experiences and memories to fight dirty. Lovers' spats between the most paranoid couple have absolutely nothing on the fights between a sea-hardened pirate and a blacksmith with a spine of Toledo steel. In fact, during those lonely months at sea when there are no other ships in sight and the _Pearl_ is stuck in the doldrums, their squabbles are the main source of entertainment for the crew. Occasionally, an innocent ship would pass by, in which the sailors would cock their heads and swear that they heard a "Oh, and I suppose the time you dressed up as a Singaporean whore and tried to seduce Norrington all night was my fault too, then!" thread through the air. They would then look at each other with puzzled looks on their faces, and the more superstitious ones would cross themselves and mutter about curses and bad luck.

  
Not that all of Mr. Sparrow's and Mr. Turner's time is spent attempting to drive each other even more insane than they already are. Occasionally, there are moments when one catches the eye of the other, and all time seems to freeze for them. They both would stop in their tracks and stare at one another, and if anyone was unfortunate enough to be caught in the crossfire, they would quickly slink out of the way, muttering apologies. If they are within arms distance of each other, Mr. Turner would usually initiate contact, by a hand to the cheek, arm, shoulder, or chest of Mr. Sparrow. Mr. Sparrow would then reciprocate in kind - although his hands would be in more, ah, inappropriate place - and they would stand there for one splendid moment, holding each other, having eyes for none but the other. Any and all who can witness such a spectacle would watch in awe at the love and trust that the two shared - which bordered on sickeningly sweet at times. 

  
...Make that a lot of times.

  
The moment would last for a while, then Mr. Sparrow and Mr. Turner would both withdraw and continue whatever they had been doing as if they had never stopped in the first place.

  
Of course, if Mr. Sparrow happens to be at the helm during one of these moments, and the _Black Pearl_ is in danger of crashing into a shoal or an island, their moment would have to be cut short. A responsible crewmember - sacrificial lamb - would break their concentration, usually by throwing a bucket of water on them. After which he would run as fast as he could to the opposite end of the ship and pray neither Mr. Turner nor Mr. Sparrow had recognized him. 

  
So let's review what we have learned. Mr. Sparrow hates children and siblings. He would NEVER do with Gibbs what he does with Mr. Turner. Mr. Sparrow and Mr. Turner have fights that are reminiscent of WWF smackdowns, yet have tender moments that would put blushing, virginal youngsters to shame. Needless to say, Mr. Turner and Mr. Sparrow share true love. A really odd, warped, and skewed version of it, but true love nonetheless.

  
But true love does diddly squat if the persons _in_ love don't act upon it. In the next section, we shall see exactly how Mr. Turner and Mr. Sparrow came to be mates.

  
**Claim 3**: How Mr. Sparrow and Mr. Turner consummated their relationship.

  
Now, Mr. Sparrow is many things, but blind is not one of them. He has noticed that one Mr. Turner is highly attractive. But he also knows that Mr. Turner is rather innocent in the ways of the world, and he could never take advantage of his naivety. That would be wrong, that would be depraved, that would be-

  
..............................

  
Oh, for God's sake, he's a pirate! He'll do as he damn well pleases, thank you very much.

  
However, Mr. Sparrow was slightly apprehensive about approaching Mr. Turner. For one thing, Mr. Turner's innocence - however endearing - has made him completely oblivious. Any subtle - or not so subtle - overtures Mr. Sparrow initiated was shrugged off as either Mr. Sparrow being friendly or more drunk that usual. Quite frankly, the only way Mr. Turner would actually get a clue was if Mr. Sparrow stripped naked, pounced on Mr. Turner, and told Mr. Turner in no uncertain terms that he wanted to swive him. 

  
However, Mr. Sparrow was a bit reluctant to try that last approach. As mentioned before, Mr. Turner is very, very good with swords. If Mr. Turner ends up taking Mr. Sparrow's proposition the wrong way, Mr. Sparrow very well might end up a eunuch. And that, my friends, would be an incredible tragedy.

  
Thus, Mr. Sparrow retreated to his rum and strong right hand, as the _Pearl_ creaked sympathetically. 

  
But what Mr. Sparrow was unaware of was that Mr. Turner had a similar dilemma. 

  
Now, Mr. Turner has been saving himself up for Miss Swann. Thus, he never visited the local brothels or took up any invitations for a tumble in the hay. But seeing as how he never tied the knot with said governor's daughter, when he at last made his way back to the _Black Pearl_, he was still a twenty-year-old virgin. And as old habits die hard, he avoided whores of both sexes like the plague. Bit of a stick, the lad is.

  
And one of the reasons why Mr. Sparrow gave up on courting Mr. Turner and dubbed him a eunuch.

  
And Mr. Turner might have lived in abstinent bliss except for one thing. See, Mr. Turner is a perfectly healthy young man in his prime. Not to mention nature has been generous with his physical accouterments and libido. As such, he had occasional instances of nightly emissions and random erections. But as time passed, he notices that his arousals are not so random, but rather occur around a Mr. Sparrow. And his dreams had begun to be invaded by a certain slurred voiced, kohl-eyed devil. 

  
But seeing as how Mr. Turner never had those types of feelings for anyone except Miss Swann and was still trying to break free of the shackles of the Catholic Church, he wasn't quite sure how to approach Mr. Sparrow. Or if he should approach at all. In fact, he was currently having a severe identity crisis and questioning his sexuality a great deal.

  
Thus, Mr. Turner turned to his strong right hand and watched from afar, like an extremely lovesick puppy, more lost and confused than a Republican Catholic at a gay pride parade in the middle of San Francisco. 

  
Now, the crew knew Mr. Sparrow and Mr. Turner would end up together, even though both men were oblivious. Thus, when said pirates finally recognized their feelings, the betting pools started. 

  
But Mr. Sparrow and Mr. Turner didn't seem to want to oblige the gambling bunch. Mr. Turner would often blush very prettily when Mr. Sparrow was being particularly expressive in his gestures, and Anamaria learned to not let Mr. Sparrow be at the helm when Mr. Turner was up in the riggings. But however much they snuck looks at each other when they thought the other was looking, they avoided being within twenty yards of one another. And on a ship in the middle of the ocean, that was quite an accomplishment. 

  
For the first couple of days, the actions of Mr. Turner and Mr. Sparrow were amusing and almost charming. As two weeks passed, the crewmembers' grins started becoming rather fixed. As a month went by, fingers started twitching and hands started edging towards weapons. Love was good and great, but all that mooning from afar was getting to be a bit taxing on the crew's nerves. Even the _Black Pearl_ was starting to get kind of vexed. She loved Mr. Sparrow, truly, she did, but if Mr. Sparrow didn't screw the boy through the mattress soon, she was going to chuck him over the side and right on to that special island of his. 

  
A clandestine meeting was called to deal with the situation, and all except for Mr. Sparrow and Mr. Turner gathered in the hold. Different solutions were offered and discarded. The one where they dump Mr. Sparrow and Mr. Turner on a deserted island for a week and hope they might have come to an understanding of sorts might have worked, except Mr. Sparrow might think that they had committed mutiny and go after them with all hellfire and brimstone. And seeing as what the captain did to Mr. Barbossa, and how he could hold a grudge for a very long time, none of the crew were willing to risk it. 

  
The conference lasted long into the night, but no course of action was agreed upon. As the arguing voices of the crewmembers faded away, the _Pearl_ decided to take matters into her own hands. Metaphorically speaking that is, since ships do not actually have hands.

  
First, she tossed Mr. Sparrow into the ocean on a very cold night. She did not abandon him, of course, and made sure that the waters were shark free, but after all that she went through, she deserved to be a little vindictive. 

  
As Mr. Sparrow staggered swearing into his quarters to change into drier clothes, she waited for the opportune moment. It came when Mr. Turner was relieved of his watch and he trudged towards his hammock, ready for another lonely night. As Mr. Turner walked by the captain's cabin, she tilted just so, with all the delicacy of a master pianist.

  
..................

  
Oh please. She bucked like a wild mare that was having one of those "mare days" (aka equine PMS). She was justified, dang it.

  
Needless to say, Mr. Turner went flying through the door, which Mr. Sparrow neglected to lock. Groaning in pain, Mr. Turner managed to get to his feet, opening his mouth to apologize.

  
His mouth stayed open, but no words came out. Mr. Turner was much too busy gaping at a wet and naked Mr. Sparrow, who was crouched over a chest with a startled look on his face. Mr. Sparrow in turn was looking at a rather flushed Mr. Turner and at the tantalizing bits of skin peeking through his shirt. 

  
After a moment, Mr. Turner realized that he had been staring, and started backing out of the cabin, apologizing profusely. And he might have run off, and the _Pearl_ might have given up, and Mr. Turner and Mr. Sparrow might have spent the rest of their lives playing out the parts of scar-crossed lovers, driving the ship and crew to homicidal insanity.

  
Hell. No. 

  
With a violent pitch, Mr. Turner was sent airborne once again. Except this time, he landed on one Mr. Sparrow, and Mr. Sparrow ended up sprawled on the floor with an armful of very aroused blacksmith. 

  
The author could go on describing the subsequent actions of the subjects, except the narration would exceed an "R" rating. And seeing as how the author does not wish for her Fanfiction.net account to be deleted, she advises the readers to use their imaginations. Let's just say that it involved lots of oil and splinters in uncomfortable places.

  
Crewmembers, woken by thuds and screams, muttered "'bout bloody time", turned over, and went back to sleep.

  
So it came to pass that, with the help of the _Black Pearl_ and mutual attraction, Mr. Sparrow and Mr. Turner started a long and occasionally unhealthy relationship.

  
  
There you have it. Through a long and convoluted process, the author has indeed proved that Captain Jack Sparrow and Will Turner are indeed together. If you aren't convinced by now, you're a lost cause. I pity the unenlightened ones who forever shun the light of slash. 

  
Now run along and go pillage or something. The author has certain writings she must view, one that include lots of Jack and Will in compromising positions.

  
Oh, life is good.

  
  
  
The End

  
  
  



End file.
